An Open Letter to All Citizens of Victoria (or anywhere else, for that matter)

Dear Victorians,

                In these days of racial profiling, I’m gonna jump on board: look out for the white man! 

                Sometimes, the white man will disguise himself as a veteran and/or an ex-police officer, even.  He will slip into this disguise and go out into the streets: he will enter your nightclubs.

                He might even lower himself to go to a bar of his own choosing.  He might let the women behind him in line go first.  When they try to say ‘thank you’ to him for his kind and selfless act, he will feign interest in their lives, asking them to sit down and keep him company.  He might even buy them a drink.

                When these ladies finally drop their guard, he will attack them with perverted and, immaculately clean, fingernails.  He will proceed to attempt to violate their trust and their good intentions.  Upon being called out on his misbehavior, the white man will act confused, suggesting that the female had invited his callous act, simply by sitting beside him and being kind.

                So, fellow Victorians, fear the White, unassuming man.  He is volatile.  Trust me.  Oh, but wait.  I too, am a white man: better end this letter here.


Nick Lyons

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