Luc on Tape: Chapter Six

…While this section of the novel is disturbingly chauvinistic, it reflects neither the views of the author nor the sentiment of the novel as a whole… please read with this in mind…

Act Six, Scene One:  Two men (Luc Louis (the older of the two) and Nick Lyons (the younger)) exit the Butcher Shop cooler, and walk onto the loading dock.  Both shiver, for it is a cold (but clear) November morning in Calgary, Alberta.

Luc: I’m gonna make my own porno: “Big Butcher Bitches”.  Whadya think? Eh?

Nick: There’s a market for that…

L: Oh, well, that’s what I thought… there’s lots of pig meat cutters out there and a variety of assorted wrappers to go with it…


L:  Fuckin’ Joey… he’s loosin’ it man… May is just fuckin’, oh, she said, just today, on and on and on… she said ‘I tried talkin’ to him intelligently and that didn’t get anywhere, so I tried to be stern with ‘m, and that didn’t get me anywhere cause he is just ‘(mock effeminate laughter)’’ …whenever you give him shit, eh? And yesterday, oh God, she said ‘Now!  Momma’s gonna go fer a break’ and he’s runnin’ away, ‘No come here, I’m not finished talkin’’ he comes back… ‘Now, momma’s gonna go for a break and mamma wants you to do this and this and this and this and this and it’s gotta be done before I get back…now if it isn’t done, I’m gonna spank you!’


L:  And I said, ‘Now May, ya just turned him on, I mean, come on, ya lost the effect there!  Ya had ‘im with the stern look, but, the spankin’, aw, that’s it!” So she leaves and he’s like, ‘Oh, Jesus Christ, I got to get some smoke, or somethin’, I’m goin’ outta my fuckin’ mind…’ ‘Jacques!’  (Jacques was the Butcher Shop’s drug dealer) He fixed Joey up, he was happier than shit for the rest of his shift…


L:  …What a fuckin’ insane asylum… oh, and Bryan’s girlfriend is workin’ here now…

N: Oh, I know, I bet Cindy’s happy about that…

L: Oh, I made sure to tell her, eh?  But she didn’t believe me, I said, ‘You don’t believe me?’  She says ‘No.  You’re just a bastard trying to get under my skin.’ I said ‘Really, do you think Nick’s a bastard too?  Cuz Nick was here when Bryan came in looking for work for the bitch.’  Remember that day he came in?  She said, ‘Nick?’ I said, “Talk to Nick if you don’t believe me, he was standin’ right fuckin’ there.’  Her face, man, just welled right up.  And then she gone to the shitter for about fourty five minutes.  I thought, ‘Thank God, fuck off.  Change the station to .107 you fuckin’ whore.’


L:  I mean, just fuckin’…

(More laughter)

L:  This is the same time when she was havin’ morning sickness, eh?  Did I tell you what I did there?

N:  The fish?

L:  Yeah, I got, oh, I got such a kick out of that, I swear.  Semi-woody, eh?  A soft one, nevermind….


L:  And Peter’s at his table and he’s lookin’ at me cuz she’s starting to turn white in the face… almost instant, eh?  Fuck, oh, fergetaboutit… oh, God.


L:  She fuckin’ runs out, man, after pukin’ in the garbage can and I thought, ‘Ugh, now that’s just wrong’…

(More laughter)

N:  You’re a fuckin’ asshole, Luc.

(More laughter)

L:  Ah well, it’s not as bad as… Peter’s joke,  ‘gotta new job…fixing, well, you don’t remember that?

N:  No, no…

L:  ‘Gotta new job at the Foothills Hospital, startin’ Monday… fixing broken wheels on miscarriages…’


L:  And she heard about this.  Aw, fuck!  The hatred ran deep.


L: ‘Fixing broken wheels on miscarriages?’  Fuck, man… What a bunch of heartless bastards… and then, she goes home sick (cuz she miscarried)— well that’s a day (the Butcher Shop had a disciplinary program set up for workers who missed shifts without provided necessary documentation) and then she had a couple complications a few days later—that’s another day, ‘you are now on the program’…

N: Rick probably could have got fired for that…

L:  “Oh yeah…he was sayin’ it in the smoke room in front of a whole bunch of people, y’ know, the guys were fuckin’ bustin’ a gut, but the women were all…fuckin’ schocked!  ‘I can’t believe he said that, the fucker!’  Rick was like, ‘What?!?!?!? Ya fuckin’ whores…’ what’s Bryan’s girlfriend like, anyways?  I still haven’t seen her.  The grocery guys were checkin’ her out tho’

N:  Oh yeah?

L:  They all approve.

N:  Oh, do they?

L:  Mhmm…

N:  Yeah, she’s not too bad…

L:  Big tits?  I’ve heard she’s got a plump butt.

N:  Yeah, she’s pretty plump… she’s short, really short…

L:  And plump, just like mom, just like mom…

N:  Whose mom?

L:  His mom! His mom’s not exactly a small woman…

N:  You’ve met his mom?

L:  A couple times in the store… I didn’t actually meet her but she was quite plump… she’s a big woman…


L:  Yeah, if she had more hair on her she coulda looked like a fuckin’ sasquatch.

N:  Sasquatch?

L:  Yeah.  A female one.  I bet she’s stinky too… you know?  That’s somethin’ else, when they talk about sasquatches, they always kinda refer to them as ‘a male’

N:  Yeah, that’s right…

L:  I wanna see a big female Sasquatch too… with hair all over her too and big, silver dollar nipples.


N: Eh?

(More laughter—door opens.  Muffled voice of condescension).

L:  Hey!  We’re having a fuckin’ meeting here, close the fuckin’ door!

(More laughter.)

L:  “Fuck!”

(More laughter)

L:  Oh, God… so, two kids come to our door the other night… the first two in four years livin’ there, eh?

N: Really?

L:  For Halloween… we had full sized chocolate bars, eh?  Of assorted kinds… the old lady’s into this, eh?  Kids never show up and I keep givin’ her shit, but anyways,  DING DONG, about quarter to eight and I said, “Well, fuck me gently”… I couldn’t believe we actually got some kids here… just two little kids about,  nine… eight, nine, ten… the old lady takes pity on them,  she knows the night’s pretty much over, so she gives them three chocolate bars each… they look at her and just fuck off, eh?  And I’m standin’ there watchin’ this and… not even a ‘thank you’, eh?  So I open the door and I’m like, ‘You little cock-suckers!’

N:  I wonder why the kids don’t come around?


L:  ‘You little ungrateful cock-suckers…’


L: The old lady was like, ‘Luc!  Fuck!’


L:  So I says to her, ‘You shut the fuck up and go upstairs and drop your linens…so, we did…. ‘Turn off the lights and lock the fuckin’ door, it’s over!’

(Much laughter)

L:  They’re a bunch of little cocksuckers anyways….


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