(Microphone Feedback and Resulting Vocalized Crowd Disaproval)
Me: (Clearing throat uncomfortably and swallowing) Good God! I thought I was at a Sonic Youth Show for a minute there…
(No laughter, the ambient sound of chairs on hardwood)
Me: Well, here we are… I, uh, I just want to say how happy I am to be a part of this, and what an honour it has been for me to see the bride and the groom in the first few hours of their marriage. I got to go to the photo shoot after the ceremony and I’ve gotta say, that I’ve never seen two people more in love than you guys.
Me: I’ve known Dougy since Grade One: back then he was “Douglas”… I can’t remember when we all started calling him “Dougy”, but I guess that doesn’t really matter. (Nervous laughter) Anyway, even back then, Dougy stood out. I remember one day a bunch of us guys were playing football at lunch. We weren’t allowed to play tackle foot ball, so we just played two-hand touch. That really bothered Dougy; he said that he’d rather not play football at all than play such a disgusting, watered-down form of the game. So, while the rest of us played, he walked around collecting dandelions and picking up rocks. He said he was partaking of the pursuits of dandelion and rock collecting in their purest form… none of us really knew what he was talking about.
Me: (Uncomfortable Laughter) Hahaha, I told ya you’d regret inviting me up here to give a speech, Dougy. Embarrassed yet? (More uncomfortable laughter.) Then we moved on to Middle School, where we met Drew, and Mike (points to two of the other groomsmen). Both Dougy and I were super stoked to leave Elementary. We had dreams of all the adolescent women that we would meet, and all the parties we would go to… really, we just got beat up quite a bit.
Me: (Scratching head so frantically it is picked up by the microphone) … um, man. I… I was the first person Dougy told when he started feeling guilty about stealing the baby goat from Beacon Hill Park… I went over there and his apartment was utterly fucking destroyed. The goat had been chewing on everything and shitting everywhere. While I was confused as to how Dougy had imagined “the caper” (as we since have referred to the whole ordeal) turning out, I thought it was pretty sweet that he took the care to buy some bottles in attempt to feed the animal. I think his mind was made up by the time I got there. The theft was all over the news so we loaded the little goat into the back of his Tercel and let him run free in the park for the night.
Me: Anyway, I just want to say how happy Dougy’s been since meeting Amy. I remember when he first told me about her. We were still painting houses back then, and he was taking one of his absurdly long breaks… (…) … and um, he ah… told me that he had eyes for this sweet little thing down at the deli we always went to for lunch. At first, I assumed he was talking about the super hot one and I told him that she was way out of his league. I was happy when he told me who he really meant.
So here we are. I’d like you all to raise your glasses with me, as I propose a toast to the groom.
To the groom!